im going away...dont know if i will be back...im so hurt emotionaly and i just want to die.....

...

god Im such a fucking moron thinking I could have him. I should have paid attention the first time and remebered he's not into me...he was drunk and I took advantage of that...and now I feel like shit because he's not interested in me...just as a friend. Fuck....i hate life, failure is the worse, im so broken now I should just give up and accept my miserable fate. I dont deserve to be with just one persone i guess, I suppose I can just toss the notion of love out the window. Why do I do such stupid things? I act out the macho role for queens and I get laid...I try to be who I want and no one cares....I can't have someone to hold...no one to say stupid shit to like...i love you or something. Im so tired of failing. its really depressing. it;s non stop. like a flood of shit just washing over every part of my life. I have nothing to show for anything I have done. I have nothing of my own that I am actually proud of. These images i edit are others works, i just destroy the original intent of the photos for my own stupid amusement. everything i do is for my amusement. its really pathetic. Ive been alone, with out another to truly bond with for so long that I forget what it means to be happy.for a short time I thought I had a chance again. I was really looking forward to something but Im not a skinny hairless teenager. Im a fat, hairy, disgusting waste that no one will really love...just say shit to try and make me feel better...it doesnt work so save it. This is me crying to myself because no one here will listen...or even care.

there is a reason i guess to all of this, im supposed to be miserable, im supposed to be angry, hateful, spiteful, and completly digusted with the world, i gave what i have, i dont know what else there is, i have nothing, absolutly nothing, my entire life is in a god damn box in front of me. a box, not a house, not a dresser...a fucking box. an electronic box whos more my friend than any human. it doesnt judge me, it doesnt lead me on, it doesnt give me sentiment that i know is not real, just a reation to something pathetic. I realize I really am a looser. what they said was true. every day i got beat up as a child was deserved, my family deserting me every chance the both got was deserved. Im just a waste, never worth keeping around after my worth is spent, which isnt much.

im tired, i cant cry anymore, im just tired of being this......failure.

so I went on a date with a guy I have known for a little while now. He's cute and funny...somewhat of a chatterbox but I don't seem to mind when he's going on. Now heres the shocker...I made out...but no sex. I actually let him go without fucking him. 1 kiss and a wave bye as he drove off. I really think Im in love with this guy. I don't know, all i think about is him.

There is a catch tho. He's kinda in trouble law wise and has to stay with is grandma. She lives 40 miles out of town and is a Christian Nazi...so he can't even be gay at home. He's stuck there for a little over a year. When he gets out Im hoping we can get a place together and hump like bunnies.

I got some more art coming now that I have some inspiration.

...